Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
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Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.