Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The government even made aliens boring
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”