Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
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Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
My five year plan is a meteorite
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
saw this in a dream
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
? 💀
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”