{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
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*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?