Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :