I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
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Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
goldfish mafia
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.