Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Born to be mild.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice