Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
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I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
everyone’s a critic
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Clients after you give them your rates
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair