Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?