My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
それは草
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.