I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS