If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”