The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?