-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.