Draw me like one of your French Fries.
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What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Seems kinda suspicious
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely