Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
You Might Also Like
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: