Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Match dot com, but for socks.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?