Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
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Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.