*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
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The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I am also baked goods
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?