Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
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In space, no one can hear…
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I鈥檝e never been more suspicious.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 馃槶
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Wait for it! 馃ぃ馃憦馃槤
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I just tested negative for patience.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok鈥 totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine鈥ut that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn鈥檛 do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
losing my mind at my mom鈥檚 reply to my insta story
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)