The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
How does one answer this?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.