Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.