If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.