You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
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INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
hey, alexa
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really