Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
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Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.