If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
he’s doing your taxes
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???