Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
*weighs self after shaving
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.