I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
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Life cycle of cat
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
it is time once again
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first