My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
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All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
What’s a Messi?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Good morning.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.