Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
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Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
One venti cheeseburger please.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
im all 3
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.