Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
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Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief