my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
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I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
This checks out
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!