it was a valiant fight
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.