You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
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Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
SPLOOT
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
any last words?
💻🤡
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you