everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
HR said no more nunchucks.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.