Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh