I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
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[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Lube but for my dry humor.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job