Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered