I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
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they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Me sliding into hell like
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
o shit
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.