When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
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It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
When I said I liked it rough.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Just how popey was the pope today?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are