me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
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Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
shampoo implies shampee
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”