Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I don’t get marriage
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.