If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
#Caturday
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first