when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.