Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
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Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”