Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
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Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”