My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
You Might Also Like
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Cats are still liquid.