I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
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When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?