There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Thrilling chase underway
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
😩😩😩
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.