Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
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*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien